Assertiveness, you say?
What is Assertiveness? Funny you should ask – assertiveness is a way of communicating one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful manner.
The key words there are ‘clear’ and ‘respectful’. It’s essential to distinguish assertiveness from aggression and passivity. Aggression, as most of us know, involves expressing one’s viewpoint in a hostile or disrespectful way. Conversely, passivity entails avoiding conflict altogether, often leading to unmet needs and resentment. Assertiveness strikes a balance, allowing individuals to advocate for themselves without undermining others.
In interpersonal relationships, assertiveness fosters open communication and builds trust. When individuals communicate their needs clearly, misunderstandings are minimized, leading to healthier dynamics. In a work environment, assertiveness contributes to effective teamwork and collaboration, as team members feel empowered to share their ideas and feedback without fear of criticism or dismissal. This open exchange promotes innovation and problem-solving, something essential for organizational success.
From a very relevant therapeutic viewpoint, assertiveness plays a crucial role in enhancing self-esteem. By asserting their rights and boundaries, individuals develop a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence. This allows them to navigate challenging circumstances more effectively.
Examples of assertive behaviour include making eye contact while expressing one’s opinion, using “I” statements to communicate feelings (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when…”), and standing firm on personal boundaries. Each of these behaviours exemplifies the core of assertiveness: respect for oneself and others.
Indeed, people who practice assertiveness often experience reduced stress levels, improved relationships, and a greater sense of control over their lives.
So, who is Jack Reacher?
Jack Reacher is a fictional character created by author Lee Child in a series of novels. He is a former Military Policeman who travels across the United States and frequently engages in criminal investigations, helping those in distress. Reacher is characterized by his intelligence, physical strength, and strong moral principles.
Most recently Jack Reacher has found a home on the small screen in Amazon’s ‘Reacher’ series. Portrayed by the acting behemoth that is Alan Ritchson, it follows the travels and interactions of Reacher as he finds himself entangled in one criminal mystery or another.
In deference to the true fans of Lee Child’s works, it’s this tv series I’ll be relating to in this article, rather than the books (which I hope to get time to read in future).
Reacher on challenging circumstances.
Mastering assertiveness is particularly crucial in challenging circumstances where the dynamics of communication can become tense and complex. For Reacher, this occurs in a variety of conflict-ridden situations and high-stress environments. The ability to assert oneself can significantly influence outcomes, something that the former MP embraces wholeheartedly.
Conflicts can arise from differing opinions, competing goals, or misunderstandings amongst friends, colleagues and even strangers. These scenarios often create a charged atmosphere where assertiveness is essential to communicate needs and resolve disputes effectively.
Needless to say, Reacher encounters a number of these. The techniques employed are often indicative of assertive communication such as:
Silence
The art of being silent is a uniquely potent skill and one that many people find uncomfortable. Reacher, in his own stoic and unmoving way exhibits a particular comfort in being silent, especially in challenging circumstances.
In an early interaction, Reacher meets a couple in conflict outside a local diner. When the verbally abusive boyfriend turns his ire on the former soldier, Reacher doesn’t speak. Doesn’t react. He remains silent and stares directly at the aggressor until – in a sudden realisation of discomfort – the boyfriend apologises and excuses himself as “…having a bad day…it won’t happen again.”
Reaction is often the expected outcome of challenge. Harnessing a calm, silent but assertive demeanour can occasionally break the expectation of conflict and encourage a more measured dialogue. And if nothing else it asserts a level of control most people lack.
Silence is, in fact, golden.
Additionally, silence also allows you to practice another assertive skill.
Active Listening
A famous, and recurring line Jack Reacher lives by is “In an investigation, details matter”. For an investigator it’s the basis of their entire craft.
For everyone else, it’s how we assess the situation. Communication between humans is naturally fluid and multilayered – subject to situation, emotion, physical and mental experience. And everyone’s take is entirely different.
In order to resolve a conflict, we have to understand another person’s point of view. That requires to active listening – paying direct attention to someone else, asking engaged questions to understand their experience and acknowledging their perspective respectively, even where you may not agree.
Reacher listens far more than he speaks. It allows him to observe not only facts pertinent to the case but opportunities to assess and solve problems through decisive cognitive or physical means.
He punches people.
A lot.
If you can harness the curiosity to investigate, it’s possible to understand where the differences in opinion are causing conflict.
Respect
It’s worth noting Reacher doesn’t get a lot of respect. Despite an impressive physique and a gift for deduction, conflict gravitates to him. It makes for impressive stories and a fair share of conflict.
Despite this Reacher (at least in the tv series) maintains an almost supernatural level of patience and respect…to a degree. When faced with overbearing cops’ intent on framing him for murder, he calmly allows himself to be taken into custody.
He maintains a silent level of respectableness all the way up until, to the shock of the corrupt law enforcement officials, he requests to be released from his plasticuffs and, upon the agreement of their lead detective, breaks the cuffs himself with ease.
Being respectful in conflict telegraphs both confidence and a willingness to progress beyond the conflict. In Reacher’s case, it served as a way to cultivate a relationship with a potential ally whilst also highlighting his capability in dealing with the situation himself regardless of the lack of respect exhibited by others.
Saying No and Boundaries
No. It’s a definitive word and one not many like to hear.
But it is, if nothing else, assertive. It’s here Reacher really excels in his communication. Whether being ordered around by corrupt officials or threatened by a group of drunken locals, when Reacher says ‘No’ he means it. The show does a masterful job of selling the effectiveness of this technique which causes much confusion and anxiety amongst those on the receiving end of this statement.
Reacher, as is his way, isn’t angry or out of control. Conversely, he is definite in his language and intention – someone has demanded of him something he is simply unwilling to acquiesce to. It’s a good example of how to start setting boundaries. We often feel compelled through a variety of means – self-preservation, fear, potential gain, societal pressure – to say yes and accommodate others, sometimes to our detriment.
The ability to say ‘No’ is invaluable and allows you to set a boundary. If person or a situation demands something of you that you feel is not conducive to your best interests, it’s important to assert firstly that it’s unacceptable to you and then address why. This allows for some form of negotiation.
The key to boundaries is firstly, to understand where the limit of your comfort and willingness to negotiate is, and, secondly, to maintain the boundary for as long as necessary for the other party to also be willing to negotiate.
No means no. But it’s where a conversation can begin, rather than a flat ending. It just takes a bit of…
Confidence & Flexibility
Being confident is something everyone seeks. And something Reacher exhibits throughout his adventures.
It’s important to note that confidence is often borne of competence and a level of resiliency in difficult circumstances. Reacher is a competent and determined investigator alongside being a solitary, self-sufficient nomad. That kind of confidence is built from challenge, survival and acceptance of discomfort. It’s an extreme, if impressive, example.
For the rest of us we need not be so extreme. Displaying confidence often means faking it before you’re comfortable and being willing to step outside of your comfort zone. Psychologically and neurologically, it’s how we grow. And being consistent in this allows us to develop competence in dealing with difficult circumstances. That’s when confidence becomes real and internalised.
In balance to this, a degree of flexibility is key. Confidence and determination alone can make a person rigid and unwilling to negotiate or reason. Being willing to adapt your communication style to different situations and audiences makes for a much more diverse conversation and more likely that a solution that doesn’t involve stalemate or Reacher-style violence can be achieved.
Reaching for Assertiveness
So, how can you practice assertiveness like Reacher?
- Be open to discomfort and occasional conflict.
- When in doubt, stay silent, listen and try to understand the issue.
- Decide where your limits are – don’t be afraid to say ‘No’ and maintain that boundary as long as required.
- Be confident but flexible – you want to resolve this, you can even suggest ways to do this.
- Stay respectful – try not to punch anyone. We can’t all resolve our problems like Jack Reacher.